Star Guard is a Flash-developed platformer developed by Vacuum Flowers, and is available from their website.

This game contains excellent design and animation. It is distinctly retro, and the pixelated graphics are a major shift from the 3D models we are now comfortable with. The developer also makes great use of passages of text to describe the story. We are told that an Evil Wizard and his minions have invaded the Hero’s land in his absence, and it is up to him and his fellow soldiers to thwart the Wizard’s scheme. The small passages serve as a stark contrast to the player blasting his way across levels:
“The Last Assault must succeed, or all is lost.”

The simple yet successful sound effects reminds one of the classic sidescrollers of the CGA era, especially Mega Man 3 and 4, right from the offset.

The controls stay true to the game’s simple formula, using Z to jump, X to shoot, and the direction keys to move, like a true 8-bit platformer.
The plethora of checkpoints and the option of unlimited credits make the game one of those rare options for those easily frustrated, and will easily tend to a casual gamer or novices.

The game’s weakness however was the large difficulty spike at the beginning of level eight. The first seven levels seemed to be a breeze, but level eight and nine were quite tricky, and the final boss fight was seemingly impossible. Perhaps a building degree of difficulty, with the final battle being something that requires a fiendish puzzle to solve is something to for the developer to address. It is a shame that the many great ideas introduced earlier on were undone by the moments where it seems that every step requires a near-kamikaze death. Perhaps this was what the developer intended? It is hard to say.

However, despite its flaws it is refreshing to play a free download that harkens back to the days of arcade games, especially in days where video games are designed with mindblowing graphics and incredible visuals.

Some of will play for 5 minutes, and then return to their XBOXs. Others will revisit to try to beat their high score and have a blast. And they’ll be bloody lucky.

The lapse in quietness will end this weekend when we grace the eGames Expo in Melbourne, AU. We expect to see some cool stuff and, well, basically chill over the weekend.

While you’re waiting for that gold, here are some awesome things worth checking out:

• This article at the NY Times.
• This totally rad design blog called HI+LOW (particularly this post).
• This ‘design-y’ game called UNIQLO_GRID produced by emag, UNIQLO – It’s absolutely beautiful and satisfies the autistic within me. Oh, and it’s online and totally free. Do it.

• This article in a ‘mainstream‘ publication — located at News.com.au — takes a look at the social side of gaming in an attempt to dispel the curse of the basement-dweller. I’m often skeptical of how a lot of journos portray games and gamers, but this, I’d say is pretty good.
• Over at Geek.com, Joel Evans takes a quick look at games that are SFW because they look just like work. I wish we’d written the post, damn it! A useful and SFW post. The double threat.
• In a weird kind meta way, I direct you to Critical Distance‘s weekly roundup of game criticism. It was particularly good (even by their standards) for October the 4th, containing some particularly relevant links and editorials.
• Lol wut – Are they really making a Spore movie? According to this article they are.
• And finally, an iPod touch/iPhone game you play with your tongue. Rad.

To all our regular readers, we’re sincerely sorry that it’s taken us so long to get back online. As you can understand, when designing websites, there are a multitude of issues that can arise. Plus, the editors of Touché, bitches! are located in all corners of the globe. Well, actually, just the US and Australia. But that means different timezones, different quantities of distracting bad television and varying levels of access to The Wire. But it’s all done now and all you have to do is enjoy!

Oh, and remember that we’re always looking for new writers so, please, email us!

Anyways—Need I say any more? Enjoy the new Touché, bitches!